10 Years

When the first time i though of building this blog... I feel like it was a good idea.. but I stop writing because of a negative comment from a friend and some personal thing happen... and 10 years had passed..

I remember reading an article saying in a certain country, every one has an account recording the wealth of their citizen. and the new born's wealth was recorded as TIME before they have any money..indeed time is what we are given and we tend to waste it as thing given to us for free normally the most precious thing but we don't appreciate it. It happen to me too... i wasted 10 years without achieving anything great... I had a relationship which lasted for 7 years plus and break up because she found someone better at that time... or maybe it is just that i am never good enough.  I set financial plan to get financial freedom but didn't follow it till the end because of emotional... scare of losing her... My work carrier seem good to most people but it is something that i don't enjoy and i might just loss it anytime. 

To be honest... I feel lost... I had been searching for years... what do i really want for my life... money? love? good car? nice house? I am a greedy person who want everything but at the same time i am ok to let go everything... i am interested in everything at the beginning but soon after that i get bored and left it alone... what do i really want in my live... do i really want anything? do i really enjoy staying alive? i wander.. i tried killing myself before but i feel scare... it is a sign that i want to continue living right??? but till now i still dont know what i want... maybe ... just maybe... what i want is noting... na... it is not possible since i am so greedy... but i do know certain thing i want is nor possible... well maybe not possible in the world we are living now... so how do i create it? haha i like fantacy world... i really do... looking at people work hard to level up... having a clear direction what to do and been appreciated with reward... and the idea i had many many years before is to imagine the world i am living as a fantasy world. (you may refer to my first blog if it is still there..) so what will be my status if i still to that..

LV: 33 I guess but using age as LV does not sound right...
Job LV: Professional engineer?? haha if i draw out the job skill tree... i still have 2 level before i reach the highest job but should i go for it? it feel like after leaning sword skill years after years then only found out that i dont like close combat... should i continue become knight or change to be magician? haha...
Money: ya i do have a bit compare to others who having trouble to put food on the table but it is not like i don't have to worry about it...
Guild: joined too many and not performing well in any of it... especially with this virus moving around killing lots of people...

so what is the fun in this world which is currently know as earth? build a haram? not like the law allow it... become top in my job? (the amount of responsibility is killing me).. Build a simple family? ya that can be done but... what's next? give birth and start busy feeding next generation? In fantasy story it always happen that we meet people with different profession and we cover each other weakness and grow as a party... but what can i contribute in current party? the official guild i am in can't find job and now guild leader is considering to let go of member... the other guild which i help up are not doing well... really hard to trust others to do the thing they should and i am not contributing well too... Follow the other friend to be guild less? well it is possible but it also means i am on my own for everything that is going to happen... go out to hunt monster alone? it is never a wise choice...

I like freedom.. so not sticking with a fix party or guild may be good but in order to survive, i need to have multiple party that i can join temporary... i want to have a place i can return to after feeling tired of killing monster... so a home and wife is necessary... i dont like killing monster but for the time been.. i have to bare with it... If adventure can risk their life to earn money to put food on table... why am i not willing to do simple risk free job on this world call earth???

Because there is no fun? no excitement? or i am just living too comfortable... i dont know... i only know i dont enjoy close combat as sword man... so i need to learn how to cast magic... but reading all the spell book is killing me too... haha... well there is one profession that people say i am suitable.. that is be trainer.. but it is not like there will be people who want a noob to train them right?

but one thing for sure... in all adventure stories... the one success all put in great effort... the mister nice guys always get push around... so maybe is time for me to stop being mister nice guy... i spent too much time being nice and helping others... to the stage i don't enjoy doing the thing i want anymore... it is fun to learn about magic and it is fun to cast first fireball... but it is not fun that everyday people ask me to use fireball to help them start a fire... i need a path of my own... do i want to be magician??? do i want to be swordman? do i want to be all rounder? or what do i want to be??? i need to decide and stop getting push around... i need to be firm and get the thing i want out...

i have limited time...and i cant be helping all the guild or party that asking me to help... if i dont enjoy doing it... i should just stop... right???

i dont want to be the hero that everyone admire... i dont want to be chasing others who are super successful... i dont want to be push around to get job done... i just want to have simple success that i am happy about and work the thing at my own speed...

i know i can not do so many things at the same time so i should stop those non productive one... ya... since i will be stuck in this town because all the monster know as Covid are still out there... i will just focus on the following:

1) Continue practicing my sword skill in the morning... even though i dont like it... but no hard getting the royal knight title... it might help me get some sight income when i really quite as knight...
2) Practice my fire ball until when i am free... it is not a simple task but it can be useful to help me stay alive... but dont overstress myself on the result... important is practicing it as an interest.
3) Becoming a trainer or not.. will decide later since it involve going to other city to get license and i can't do anything with this Covid out there...

Lastly... setting aside time for fun or break in between all those task... controlling the duration is important but let's just set it during meal time and max 1 hour after meal time. have to stop myself after 1 hour...

As for building a home with a wife... first thing i need to do is say sorry to the potential wife... haha.. need to find something that we are both enjoy first ^_^

一个30岁男人和一个24岁女人的经典对白

烛光晚餐。桌两边，坐了男人和女人。

　　“我喜欢你。”女人一边摆弄着手里的酒杯，一边淡淡地说着。

　　“我有老婆。”男人摸着自己手上的戒指。

　　“我不在乎，我只想知道，你的感觉。你，喜欢我吗？”

　　男人抬起头，打量着对面的女人。

　　24岁，年轻，有朝气，相当不错的年纪。

　　白皙的皮肤，充满活力的身体，一双明亮的，会说话的眼睛。

　　真是不错的女孩啊，可惜。

　　“如果你也喜欢我，我不介意作你的情人。”女人终于等不下去，追加了一句。

　　“我爱我妻子。”男人坚定地回答。

　　“你爱她？爱她什么？现在的她，应该已经年老色衰，见不得人了吧。否则，公司的晚宴，

怎么从来不见你带她来……”

　　女人还想继续，可接触到男人冷冷的目光后，打消了念头。

　　静……

　　“你喜欢我什么？”男人开口了。

　　“成熟，稳重，动作举止很有男人味，懂得关心人，很多很多。反正，和我之前见过的人不 同，你很特别。

　　“你知道三年前的我什么样子？”男人点了颗烟。

　　“不知道。我不在乎，即使你坐过牢。”

　　“三年前，我就是你现在眼里的那些普通男人。”男人没理会女人，继续说。

　　“普通大学毕业，工作不顺心，整天喝酒，发脾气。对女孩子爱理不理，还因为去夜总会找 小姐，被police抓过。”

　　“那怎么……”女人有了兴趣，想知道是什么让男人转变的。

　　“因为她？”

　　“嗯。”

　　“她那个人，好像总能看到事情的内在。教我很多东西，让我别太计较得失，别太在乎眼前的事，尽量待人和善。那时的我在她面前，就像少不更事的孩子。那时真的很奇怪，倔脾气的我 ，偏偏最听她的话。按照她说的，接受现实，我知道自己没用，就努力工作。那年年底，工作上 稍微有了起色，我们结婚了。”

　　男人弹了弹烟灰，继续说着。

　　“那时，真是苦日子。两个人，一张床，家里的家具也少得可怜。知道吗？结婚一年后，我才给她买了第一枚钻戒，存了大半年的钱呢。当然，是背着她存的。若她知道了，是肯定不让的 。”

　　“那阵子，因为烟酒弄得自己身体不好。大冬天的，她每天晚上睡前还要给我熬汤喝。那味 道，也只有她做得出。”

　　男人沉醉于回忆里，忘记了时间，只是不停地讲述着往事。

　　而女人，也丝毫没有打断的意思，静静地听着。

　　等男人注意到时间，已经晚上10点了。

　　“啊，对不起，没注意时间，已经这么晚了。”男人抱歉地笑了笑。

　　“现在，你可以理解嘛？我不可能，也不会，做对不起她的事。”

　　“啊，知道了。输给这样子的人，心服口服了！”女人无奈地摇了摇头。“不过我到了她的 年纪，会更棒的。”

　　“嗯。那就可以找到更好的男人。不是吗？”

　　“很晚了，家里的汤要冷了，我送你回去。”男人站起身，想送女人。

　　“不了，我自己回去可以了。”女人摆了摆手。“回去吧，别让她等急了。”

　　男人会心地笑了笑，转身要走。

　　“她漂亮嘛？”

　　“……嗯，很美。”

　　男人的身影消失在夜色中，留下女人，对着蜡烛，发呆。

　　男人回到家，推开门，径直走进卧室，打开了台灯。

　　沿着床边，他坐了下来。

　　“老婆，已经第四个了。干嘛让我变得这么好，好多人喜欢我呀。搞不好，我会变心呀。干 吗把我变得这么好，自己却先走了？我，我一个人，好孤单呀……”

　　男人哽咽地说着，终于泣不成声。

　　眼泪，一滴滴从男人的脸颊流下，打在手心里的相框上。昏暗的灯光中，旧照片里弥漫着的是已逝女子淡淡的温柔。

Think twice before blame anyone… you’ll learn a lot of things by doing so… Write blog when emo and when read back, you’ll found that everything will be better if you did not emo at the first place. That is how i learn…

 

It had been so long that i dont have the feel to update blog.  I normally only update blog when i emo but since i can control my feeling, i dont feel like updating blog for long long time le.  Now really only 1 person can influence me till emo so fast.  hehe.. but it is good to feel emo once a while lah. 

At first i still wandering why a person will emo, but even i myself emo from time to time too so it should be normal.  But how to reduce it? How to help other people emo less? someone emo today n seek for my comfort (but i totally dont know she emo n tough she only need advice so when i know she emo is too late.  then i try to cheer her up but fail… only make thing worst. sigh… long distance really cause so much problem.)  i so noob in this. anyone can give me advice?

the following will be some problem i like ppl to give advice and how do u feel if it is you?

1: Mr. A keep money for years and suddenly his dad say want to buy a car for him and used up almost all his saving and even help him loan that i need to pay 400-500 a month. He dont like the car colour, he dont like the car model, he havent get a job but have to pay 400+ every month, and he bought the car just because he like it n drive it few months before i get it myself. Should he angry at his dad or should he try his best to discuss nicely with his dad so that everything can be settle nicely? What if his dad buy it for him without asking him to pay anything but the car is not what he want and is second car what will have problem from time to time, like suddenly engine die half road… which do u prefer?

For me, i experience something alike… at first i very emo… but fail to discuss and make a decision both agree for simple reason, both emo n both only talk but dont listen. Second time i discuss with him i calm down n listen to him then only i give him explanations on my decision n why i made it.  He is not happy about it but in the end he also give in and respect my decision on condition the decision is i made myself so i have to take the responsibility. Maybe not all dad will give in like mine but emo with own’s dad can solve problem? Maybe can? maybe can’t?… but even if it is our family, i think we should respect them. Because if you want someone to respect your idea, you have to respect ppl first…

2:  Mr. B and Mr. C is waiting for their gf at a cafe for an hour and it is raining outside… then both gf come in running in rain. Mr. B angry at his gf while Mr. C quickly wipe off the rain on his gf’s body.  Why two same case but reaction so different? Mr. B took for granted that his gf will be on time and so on because is his gf. But Mr. C did not and treat her as a person like all others.  Most ppl take their close ppl for granted.  Like me i take for granted that my dad will give me money to study, to eat to live… because most parents are doing so.  Some ppl take for granted that their bf or gf will be there for them also… that is y when Mr. B’s gf come she got scolded.  But should we take our love one for granted? when my bro give me a present and it is not what i like should i angry or no feeling or happy?  Personally i think i should be happy even though it might be a junk to me or his second hand item that does not work well anymore or it is to show off to me or even is just a junk that he dont want to throw away himself and throw to me hoping i’'ll throw away it (kind of immune to that feel already) but it is a free item. Other might say i’m a junk collector or hurt my 自尊心… but at least i dont need to spend money to get something. A junk to a person may be a treasure to another.  So i always accept it if i think i can use it (tahan a while since i can’t afford to buy myself) OR if i think it is useless, i’ll just throw away it or tell him no thanks than hurting my own mood.

But it is really hard to an wei a person or make a person feel better when they emo… it is even harder to let a person to learn how to control their emotional… but i’ll not give up. i’ll try my best to make the one i love to be happy always… it is hard i know and maybe i’ll never success but “if you want the rainbow, you need to work with the rain first” Gambathe TheTramp… If you have the will, you will find the way.

Stupid Tramp

Since she become my gf, it has beed 2 month + 2 days... As a bf i feel i'm so useless. i can't be with her when she need me because of long distance relationship... anything related to money she dont let me help... even time spend with her (really together) is also very short. think only the week she help me do FYP model. I feel so useless for the first time.

At first i was planning to let her enjoy what she always want when she come miri... because most of it need us to be together and at kuching there are things i can't do... so for me this is the best time but because of my mistake lastnight... make her dont feel like coming... I really dont know how to let her happy, dont know how to give her mine time... really blur now.

When i go back kuching, i sure will be order around by my sis to help on her to prepare her wedding. if not also will be busy looking for job and once have job... i dont have much time to give her le. i dont know about her but i really hope before work, we can really catch up a bit on relationship. I really hope on that week we can spend out time together on our two small world. But i can only hope...

Now she dont feel like coming... i dont know how to make her happy again... dont know when i can spend time with her again... the main objective is to be happy together... so i can't force her to come... deep down i really hope i can force her to come. just buy a ticket for her n ask her come but i know i can't if she dont want... but how? how can i make out a time to be with her? How can i create a small world that only have the two of us again? How can i fulfill what she want? Now i can only pray she will say yes in the end. I can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I can only tell myself dont too rational in relationship. because it kill me not only once... i can only stop thinking how to make her happy when she come miri but think of how to be with her what at kuching. But i can only say i'll regret it for the rest of my life if i fail to get my dear to come miri... that mistake i made last night already make me regret since until now... i feel myself so fake pretending doing lab... pretending listenning to class but all my heart think is her. Haha it has been long since i so emo... but this is all my own's thinking. if she dont want to come... story ends here. Until next time... until next time we have this chance... or it'll never come again...

"Chances will not wait. once u found it. grab it. if u lost it.. then no more... really no more... "
"There is no second chance... so make it work on first "

A bad start

sigh.. This sem is really hard even though it is my last sem le. It took me 1 week+ just to move my model to uni because just when i reach miri i fall sick for 1 week. Then the weather start haze… Make me can’t go uni to do my fyp (even though i’m lazy too) because when haze i follow ppl’s car to uni which means i only in uni when there is class.  In another way means i don't have free time to do my fyp in uni at all. Cry… Now when the weather is finally better… my pc start to have problem. After format it didn’t last for a day before the problem come out again. So sad… Make me feel like something is keep holding me back from doing my fyp. What to do… think i’ll try send my computer to services on Thursday since is holiday le (thanks to Mr. Kenneth) and hopefully can find out the problem n get it fix asap. (Pray hard i don't need to keep it at there for the whole free week. IF not my to do list will have to be postponed again… NOOOOooooo

All well… God is fair so i believe after all this bad things happen… good things will be here soon. Think positive… hehe Just try my best to survive this sem lah. Gambathe… TheTramp. You can do it. Fighto…

PS: Sorry that i didn’t update blog for so long. Kuching can’t online and the above problem really keep me away from doing anything i want.